heinous crimes I have committed against my sainted boyfriend, CCXVIII

This is probably best presented in a chronological order:

May 18, approximately 9:00 PM
Drunken TV watching. See informercial for "Bump-its." Decide I need spiky plastic hair pieces to look like a contender for Miss Texas.

May 19, approximately 7:00 PM
Announce to boyfriend that we HAVE to run an errand, near target, because I need SOMETHING. He is driving so I don't have to moderate my wine intake, and we are taking his car. Of course.

7:24 PM
Pull up to Sally Beauty Supply.

7:32 PM
Purchase 3 large, 2 small Bump-its, for the low-low price of $19.99

7:33 PM
Attempt to insert Bump-its in car. Between my ridiculously long torso and his small Japanese car, I fail.

7:36 PM
Attempt to insert large Bump-it in Target. Hair too short. Attempt to insert small Bump-it. Come to senses and realize I don't need to look like I have a large tumor.

7:45 PM
Coerce boyfriend into returning Bump-its while I sit in car, by making promises I intend not to keep.

7:48 PM
Realize I have large Bump-it still sitting in my lap, just as boyfriend is making a complicated left turn across approximately 75 lanes of traffic.

7:52 PM
Boyfriend parks at Sally beauty supply for the third time, returns ronin Bump-it.

7:55 PM
Reveal that I never intended to keep promises anyway. Feel the teensiest bit guilty.